He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
