i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
