I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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