she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
