Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please come you make the beer taste better
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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