i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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