she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
