It's Friday. Sex?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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