i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's the barista slut.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
