If i come over, it means nothing
I will die if light touches me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Randomize
