so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
