Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
