No stitches, just platelets and will power
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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