I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When are your genitals available?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
