Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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