I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
