So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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