Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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