Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
