i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
