Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
