respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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