I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
