Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
