the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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