Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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