bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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