he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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