There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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