If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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