Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
