I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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