Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
