I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Randomize
