I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
