My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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