woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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