if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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