Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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