hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
