my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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