i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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