There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
