I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
