Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
