the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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