woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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