I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
