thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
