I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Vodka?
Forever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
