At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
