I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
