Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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