I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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