my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
