Define "chronic" masturbator.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
