My friends, they love my intelligence
he puts the penis in happiness.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
