She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
