I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
