i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
