I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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