well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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